If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
me opening up to someone
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.