Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Going to church you guys need anything
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally