After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Going to church you guys need anything