first you must answer his riddles
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!