I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.