Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
guilty
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
don’t we all
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
thank god
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*