My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Duck typos.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart