Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Was it something I said?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”