Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.