Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore