My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Lassie, get help!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Hotels are back
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA