Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling