if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Important reminders
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
What the hell is going on?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.