Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You Might Also Like
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.