it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Taliband
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.