Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
You Might Also Like
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.