The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Mad Max Arctic Road
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!