acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
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Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.