Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’ve been drinking.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.