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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?