My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those