Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.