Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Someone just threatened to call me later
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.