They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.