Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.