[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My wedding will be open casket.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Don’t talk down to me
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.