This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m literally crying
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free