I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff