[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.