You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.