Does beer think about me too?
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This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother