Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You Might Also Like
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar