I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?