Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The days of good grammer has went
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.