*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
😂😂
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
#ProTip
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.