Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
good work, detective
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?