Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types