Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.