Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.