There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…