HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sharon, call the vet
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
LMAO
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall