“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE