Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Nice try, poison.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.