When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
incredible
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again