Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
How funny!
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]