[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
pizza
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The Others (2001)
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.