When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
bias laundering edition
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet