I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.