Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
When you let grandma cat sit
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Bootstraps
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”