So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose